I'm so over you. If you're interested in trying to make this relationship work again, here are a list of things I'll need you to improve upon.
First of all, for the remainder of this particular pregnancy, I'm getting really tired of all the painful contractions that last for hours with no results. It's really obnoxious. Could you do something about that? Also, the little hemorrhoid "present" I've received? Yeah. Thanks but no thanks. I didn't find the joy in that gift. I'm gonna need you to exchange that. Perhaps consider giving me jewelry next time. A nice necklace from Tiffany's will do. Heck, I'll take one from Walmart. It's bound to be nicer than the current "gift." While you're at it, I'm also tired of getting up to pee 854 times a night only to have a trickle come out. Seriously?!! You're gonna make me wake up for that?! I'm thinking it's time to go Lisa Nowak-style and bust out the Depends...you know, the crazy astronaut? I think I'll rock her hairstyle now that I'm looking at it.
And as for "the next time," assuming there is one, please be a little more considerate of my feelings and those around me. I would really appreciate you not leaving me in a puddle of tears over a jar of pickles, and I'm sure my husband would like you a lot better if you didn't have me jump down his throat for...well...breathing, chewing, driving, and "looking at me funny," in general. I'm sure he'd like to see his loving wife every once in awhile as opposed to what I'm sure he thinks of me now (see below)
Now, don't misunderstand. Your end result in the past has been simply beautiful and I'm sure I'm in for a repeat this time. I only wonder, if it's not too much trouble, couldn't you treat me like one of those "mythical" pregnant women I'm always hearing about? You know, The ones who don't vomit every day, don't swell, don't pass out, "glow" instead of having a sweaty sheen, have nary a mood swing, and basically just exude sunshine out of every orifice? Is that too much to ask for for just one pregnancy? Too much to hope for?
I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll do this for me, Pregnancy. As for now, I'm thinking we should take an extended break from one another. I need my space and time to gather my thoughts. Considering what you've done for me in the past, though, it's going to be hard to stay away forever. So, not "goodbye," but maybe..."see ya later?" We shall see.